“Stages are a myth” claim by Crush has validity, reports research team

In his post-victory interview at the recent Twitch Holiday Bash Invitational, Jack “Crush” Hoyt voiced his belief that stages in Melee are a myth. The Turnip quickly launched an investigation into the top fox player’s statement, and our team has found that Hoyt’s claim, despite its absurdity, might have reasonable validity.

The original quote by Crush is as follows:

“Oh, I don’t even pay attention to the stages honestly. I think stages are like a myth, like… for the most part.”

While Crush himself is known for his idiosyncratic personality, primarily displayed through a public spectacle of pretentious and creative platitudes on his Twitter, the lead researcher of our analytical team at The Turnip says this quote by Hoyt shouldn’t be discarded just yet.

“We initially thought that there wasn’t going to be any grounds to Crush’s claim… but as we dove more and more into the matrix of Melee’s coding, we found some really interesting evidence that means Crush could be on to something,” said Alfred Horch, the research project lead at The Turnip.

The team’s research suggests that all stages are nothing more than a flat, two-dimensional surface on which players can control characters in the game, and that the size of the stage, presence and position of platforms, and ledges are all figments of the player’s mind. Some of the models studied showed stages with more than 20 different ledges.

This hypothesis could explain many  of the glitches found on Melee stages, such as the hole in Pokemon Stadium, why Randall appears to favor one player in a match on Yoshi’s Story, and why Fountain of Dreams will always suck.

More experiments that confirm our team’s results are necessary before wide-sweeping policy changes can be implemented. We have already reached out to other agencies so they can begin researching this phenomenon.

The Turnip expects a tweet by Crush in the next 24 hours which will likely read, “just solved the greatest melee mystery in history. haters say i’m a cross of nostradamus and scooby doo but the truth is i’m the desert rose in a pumpkin patch”.

 

Follow the Turnip on Twitter!” is something Crush would never say. But you should do it anyways. Seriously.

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